What participants say
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Summary of the Trituation on February 21-22, 2009 in Vancouver
Six people gathered around the Oxygen like the six electrons around the nucleus of the Oxygen atom. As could be expected the essence of a gas was elusive and hard to grasp. At times it felt like trying to grasp something in thin air! Unlike in other triturations, themes moved through all C-levels and were hard to pin down.
So I will tell the story of our oxygen trituration only partially in an ascending sequence of C-levels but more in themes, showing how they moved through our experiences, revealing changing aspects, changing qualities throughout the trituration. My write-up might seem at times disconnected and eclectic, but this would fit the energy of oxygen as we experienced it.
Core sensation was the feeling of being disconnected. We wanted to be left alone, there was a strong aversion of being spoken to, being touched, being looked at with the corresponding desire to hide under a hood, behind shades or behind hair hanging in front of the face. We did not want to interact but rather sit and watch, observing other people in a distant and detached way. Especially we watched these silly people working away. We had a clear aversion to work, to make any efforts, to be a part of the drudgery we observed. Sitting in the sun, dozing and daydreaming seemed much more attractive. We definitely felt lazy. We drifted away in our minds, spaced out, we even had a hard time to stay connected with our body. A great indifference, a sense of “peace and calm” enveloped us. A joyful feeling of buoyancy and lightness showed up, however there was some doubt about its reality.
The reverse of this was that some participants felt completely immersed in the drudgery of work for the pure need of survival. Poverty ruled. It felt urgent, it was about survival, i.e. the desperate need to get food. One of us felt like an outcast, ugly and ashamed of herself, needing to live from garbage and to go begging in order to survive. It was not living, it was vegetating.
Anger came up, the desire to yell at somebody, to blame somebody for one’s own misery. It culminated in hate, hate to be alive, hate to need this body.
We felt to be chained to life, to be prisoners of life, pinned down on the wheel of rebirth like Jesus was nailed to the cross. Trapped. The sensation of being defeated left us without a goal worth living for, we did not want to do anything but sit around with a dull mind, like tranquilized, like on Valium. Suicidal thoughts came up. A deep melancholy with the sensation of being doomed held us spellbound.
Losing was a theme, losing in general, losing relatives, but especially losing freedom.
We could see things but we could not interfere. In the beginning it was more like being bound to life, not being able to escape. Later the feeling of being separated was prevalent, as if life would pass by, like being a stranger. We felt isolated and angry.
Joy was missing. We felt discouraged and betrayed. Betrayed by false promises, by broken treaties. Images of slavery came up, of people displaced. Anger also showed up as sarcasm, as mockery in an ugly way.
All efforts seemed pointless, life felt meaningless and disgusting. Loathing of life. Everything was heavy, life itself was a burden.
Disrespect came up several times; disrespect towards rules, towards other people, towards oneself, and in C4 towards God.
Again the flip side of the coin was the crisp and clear feeling of being mentally very sharp, even superior, the feeling to know it all and to know it better. A marked arrogance showed up. At first it was the arrogance of the detached observer looking down on the hard working people around him who are too stupid to understand that it is all for nothing, that all effort is pointless. Then it was also the arrogance, the feeling of superiority of nomadic people towards their settled neighbors. There was a childlike innocent joy of stealing, of using and abusing them.
In a way we felt elated, even “high”, but in the same time like being stoned. Still it felt good to be here, it was fun.(Feelings of joy and bliss in C1 and C2 are always part of the pathology; most typical i.e. the bliss in Cannabis-C1 is an illusion, it is the lowest what Cannabis has to offer. So the joy here has an unhealthy, pathological quality, not to be confused with the joy of the solution in C4 or higher levels).
So far it was mainly our experiences in C1 and C2. In C3 now things changed and there was more of an understanding.
Restlessness was a big one, an urge to escape the painful situation, to escape facing oneself, to leave things behind, to break free. In other cultures this desire is honoured and has a place, men are allowed to leave for a while. Young carpenters after they completed their apprenticeship, still today they go travelling for several years in Germany, working here and there. In Buddhist and Hindu cultures men can go as wandering monks for some years and live on the streets. They are on a quest: Who am I when all outer structures fall away? Who am I without a job or a home, without possession or social net which holds me from the outside?
An interesting feature which showed up twice, was the observation that our eyes could recognize details very clearly but we were not able to see the whole flower or the whole picture.
In C4 we had an interesting phenomenon: half of the group were perfectly happy, they had found their peace with the problem. “A smile moves life along – not drudgery. Breathing is all it takes.” Someone else recognized that Oxygen is the invitation to life, the invitation to enter in and to participate in the human experience.
For the other half of our group the journey had not yet reached a happy end. They felt separated from life, hanging in formlessness or stuck in a mixture of anger, sadness and fear. The anger was focussed on the father-aspect of God. The participant felt betrayed by false promises, rejected and abandoned, like a son who is banned by the father, and he responded with desperate anger, even with hate.
So we decided to move to a C5, which finally proved to bring us into the sacred space which holds the solution. We felt an enormous ease and freedom. All negative feelings had left. The Oxygen proved to be the loving embrace of God, holding us in His arms from our first to our last breath. The Oxygen fans open the stage of life offering us free choice which role to play, which script to write and to perform. God through the Oxygen gives us the biggest promise possible: the freedom of choice.
The question:”Who am I?” is here being answered in the most loving way possible: “Whoever you want to be.” All drama proved to be pure choice, as choosing the role of a hero makes the drama inevitable. Hardship, drama, drudgery – it is our essence, our soul playing “life”. It is pure choice.
We felt that the Oxygen connects us with everything else around the globe and even with everything else in other times. It is the most basic life force energy. There was no self importance anymore, which had created the victim-consciousness before, no unworthiness. We realized that everything was created out of our choosing.
With that the Oxygen has led us through the journey from being prisoner of life, being the absolute victim, to the high realm of conscious awareness that we are all sovereign creators of our life-scripts. We experienced a freedom which was almost scary, to say the least it was breathtaking.
Take a deep breath – and enjoy it!